It's June Already?

How ironic that we became stuck on 20-January 2009.  Inauguration Day for a new President of the United States.  On a blog that began after the (rigged) election of the previous man to hold that position. 

There comes a time in your life when things become just so overwhelming that one-by-one, elements of that life begin to shut down in an effort to conserve energy or sanity when all else seems to be whizzing out of control.  I'd have to say I'm almost certain that this is what happened to Nick and me these last six months.  When I share our experiences, therapists and shrinks form a line, business card in hand saying that it's only a matter of time before you crack.  Crack we have, but thankfully our foundation has developed 13 years of thickness which means a crack may form, but it quickly flecks away stopped by the iron rebars of experience, understanding and respect.

The the thaw and freeze moments creating the crack started in November when our dear friend decided he didn't want to wait for his next life, so he ventured there prematurely from the balcony of his 15th floor home.  The holidays in December are usually filled with Santas and stress for most, but it seemed like a month-worth of non-stop gifts from life - each package beautifully wrapped in paper and ribbons, but containing nothing on our wish lists, but rather challenges, heartache and confusion.  As if the last month of the year wasn't bad enough, Winter decided to one-up life's month of gift giving with its own marathon of misery.

February begins the series of Hallmark holidays, obligating millions to prove their love through through the words of a stranger spread out on paper and emphasized with chocolates and over-priced flowers.  But, it wouldn't be Valentine's Day Nick and I would celebrate this year, it would be reflecting on the life of a woman who had given me life and breathed the same into my husband just by calling him her other son.  The sun has come out tomorrow, Mom.  Sometimes it's blocked by clouds, but yes, it's always there.

Just a few weeks after we laid her to rest another end came into my life.  The laughs were silenced at Comedy and Lost in Space isn't just an old television series for me anymore as my employment with my first full-time company in Canada came to an end, but at least I can admit that yes, you can buy my silence although those closest to me will doubt that anything can silence The Mason.

I've often described for others the most painful moments in my life.  The first being that 26th day of May in 1986 when on his second shot on the second hole of a golf course in Estes Park my father's last words became: "I think we're in trouble."  Those five words ripping through my mother as Dad collapsed from a heart attack, his soul escaping from him body moments before he hit the ground, yet blasting through my heart 120Km away on it's way to its next destination.  The pain of that experience equals the one I would feel a few years later as I sat on the cold cement floor of a kennel as my first best friend pain and suffering would end by the stick of a needle.  I said at that moment, I couldn't bare another one like it.

I lied.

The 8th of March is now included on that regretful page of dates indelibly marked in my brain.  26-March, 11-Sept, 20-April, 13-Feb....  The only canine crazy that could match the loony tunes and loyalty of The Mason was shockingly felled by a tumor or stroke.  Our Doof Dog is still with us, but now in a cedar box wrapped tightly with his tagless-collar.  Tagless only because one is on my keychain and the other on Nick's.

Living up to its reputation, March was indeed a lion, but instead of bring April showers, what continued to fall this year was tears.  A Craigs List murder flooded the headlines of papers and triggered reunions of friends and collegues not scene for what seems like eternity.  A man whose talent and vision I envied as a colleagued transformed into a close, but distant friendship, became the very subject of what would be fodder for the career he led.  George Weber, the radio DJ, journalist, documentarian, storeyteller, smartass and host was pierced over 50-times - ironically, a physical representation of what could be a perfect description of his talents: sharp, deep and cutting.

The rest of this absence seems like a blur...except one date in May.  The third was a first, yet also a 6th.  When all's said and done, in reality it's one:  the one-year moment since Nick's and my new home and country honoured us with the right of survivorship, benefits and living as one just some of those one-thousand-plus rewards for publically announcing a loving bond started 13 years previously on the computer screens declaring "America On Line." 

So, as this 22nd day of June is just getting underway and a week of celebrations begin, I remember that moment when a timid and paniced man stepped out from behind a tree in Denver's Cheesman Park and marched in his very first parade called Pride.  Back then, I held my head high and marched down America's longest street, past bars and bums, cameras and cat callers to the steps of the state Capitol proud of who I am and not letting anyone or anything get in my way.  That happened 17 years ago this week and lately, blame it on time, fear or fatigue, my head has been slumped, my resolve dampened - the direct opposite of The Mason of '92. 

I'm better than that - my friends and family deserve better.  I'm growing wiery and teary of comparisons of The Old Mason to the New Mason. I deserve to be happy amidst the mayhem, but I can't do this alone.  I just want The Mason. 

It's time.  It's needed.  It's back. 

My Entourage is waiting.

Comments

[Teri]

Spectacular post my friend. You have a true gift with words. My heart goes out to you for the rough six months you've had so far. I understand how you feel. But sometimes we must be forged through fire to be stronger. Take every challenge as an opportunity to grow and learn. Remember, everything in life changes and everything eventually ends. Better days are around the corner.

[L-girl]

Thank you for sharing this. I wish you tons of luck and new wisdom - and how about less pain - as the journey continues.